Marriage…..(and shit pipes)

I decided to take a walk along the beach this morning and came across this.

A structure built to allow beach weddings without having to be on the sand. Ah how romantic.

Until…you see what the wooden structure is built on.

Some, may generously call this an outlet for a currently dried up stream. I’ll call it out for what it is; a bit of a shit pipe (yes there may be a stream that comes down it but let’s not kid ourselves that the water that comes out of it is pure).

This made me howl. A metaphor perhaps? I think what made me laugh most was the fact I was listening to Elvis Costello’s She as I walked past (followed by the Cranberries I Still Do).

I’m not anti-marriage (well maybe a bit) and not just being cynical because mine is over. I didn’t want to get married in the first place. So, I have no romantic engagement story. And M rather depressingly pointed out this week, as we were discussing his niece’s upcoming second attempt, there are lots of reasons people decide to get married other than love.

If it’s what you want, and you’re lucky enough to do it because you’ve found someone who accepts who you are and thinks they want to spend the rest of their life with you, then go ahead. Fill your boots. It is definitely not a road I intend to go down ever again.

I just find it interesting that the measure of success is still the length of time two people are together and to call it quits when it’s causing more harm than good is considered a failure.

Recently, I’ve found myself in a weird position of people asking me about the end of my marriage: what happened? why did you do it? Some ask because they seem to be asking for validation as they explore the current state of their own relationship. That can feel like a bit of a burden if I sense that they aren’t happy and are needing some kind of seal of approval for making the decision themselves. Others, usually in far more secure marriages, ask out of genuine curiosity but I almost get the sense that they are trying to find out something that they can be aware of. Something that can help to prevent such a failure happening to them.

Whatever the reason, it’s a really loaded question. It’s also deeply personal. To some, no reason will ever be good enough. Others simply won’t get it because they’ve not experienced it. And then there are those who berate you for either getting married in the first place or taking so long to finally say’ no more.’

I can guarantee, that unless you are really close to the person you ask, you will never get a full and honest answer. And even if you are very close, you’ll only get part of it. Not just because it’s personal, but also because sometimes it can take years to unpick, or you’re afraid of being shamed, or because they don’t or didn’t see what you did, or because they retain an image of the person you left that shows them in a good light (especially if your ex worked their narcissistic magic). But also because to do so could mean revealing your own part in it, where there could be deep seated shame.

Perhaps better questions to ask, less judgemental ones, could be about how someone is feeling now, whether they need anything for them to be happy/whole, whether they need any support or are doing any healing work.

But if you know anyone about the take the plunge into marriage, perhaps suggest that they don’t do it over a shit pipe, no matter how pretty they’ve made the shit pipe look.