Coaching and being a bit ‘Frozen’

Two years ago I qualified as a coach, a work/lifestyle/creative coach. Which basically means that I support people to become more self-aware, focus on goals, and identify what is holding them back.

Part of this is to do all of these things for myself too. And the last 2 years have certainly been a journey to put it mildly. After qualifying I didn’t stand still and took some opportunities to do some further training. One of these was a course on coaching outdoors – it’s way more than sticking your coat on and going for a walk. A key thing on the course was to try and bring nature and the seasons into the coaching session so that the client can use it for reflection and goal setting. The trainer suggested plenty of ways to do this.

One key way was to focus on the season. And as we’re getting closer to November and firmly in autumn, one of the suggestions was to view it as a period of letting go (get the reference now?). A question to focus on this was “what do you need to let go of?”

When reflecting on this myself there are plenty of things that I’ve been struggling to let go of. Even though I thought I’d let go of a lot this time last year. But there was always a lingering sense that to view autumn only as a time of letting go, based on it being the time when many plants die back or shed leaves in preparation for winter, was slightly limited.

As I see it, autumn is also a great time for preparation. Not only is it traditionally when the harvest had been brought in and food was being prepared for long term storage, it’s also a time of planning and preparation for the next year. It’s easy to think that spring is when we plant things new but autumn is also a time of planting. How else would there be the riot of colour that spring can bring?

For me, it’s not just a question of what are you letting go? It should be followed up with what are you planting for the future. As it also focuses us on the idea that good things are coming if we prepare well.

Having had such a strange and strained couple of years, it felt like the right time to ask myself what I needed to let go of. And the answer came really strongly after a day out with Smelly and Lai: shame.

For quite a while I’d held on to the lyrics of a song that, for whatever reason, would just pop up from time to time: I can be your heartache, you can be my shame. But yesterday it shifted.

Shame is incredibly powerful and it’s something I’d been carrying with me for such a long time. When things at work started to shift and there was a real possibility I would be made redundant, even when work became more stable I remember describing to a friend how I felt such shame that I might not be able to keep providing for the boys. It felt so heavy. It wasn’t shame at losing a job it was shame very much centred on my kids and how out of control I was in the situation.

Then added to that was another shame. One I was carrying around having allowed myself to become foolish by not setting clear boundaries, and those I did set being so weak that if they didn’t crumble, I was the one knocking them down. A multitude of events left me feeling humiliated and rejected.

And while I thought I’d done a lot of work in the last 12 months to rebuild and become stronger, the sense of shame that I’d allowed various things to happen lingered. Until yesterday.

Yesterday I saw what shame looked like while seeing my own strength and refusing to yield by being determined to occupy space that I had a right to. I could easily have made myself small in an effort not to be seen but I realised that I was sick of doing that. I’ve allowed myself to become small and disappear all too often. I used to joke about invisibility being my super power. It was yet another of those jokes that is an act of self harm, as it does far more damage to me. But I mistook making a joke about not being seen, being the person in the room when someone turns the lights out since they think no one is there, being the one who gets forgotten; I mistook all that for being empowering. When in reality I was diminishing myself.

So yesterday the space was mine, I owned it. I didn’t become small. I didn’t allow myself to feel that shame. I did like Elsa and let it go (btw never seen the film and no desire to). I didn’t feel shame for being seen, or being where I was, or for any of it.

But, as I said, I don’t want autumn to be all about what I am getting rid of or letting go. After realising I was letting shame go I asked myself what I was planting or preparing. Surprisingly that was pretty clear this morning.

It’s not really new, more of a continuation, but it still needs planning and preparation, which I’m not always great at.

Facing fears.

Knowing I was heading towards my 50th I gave myself a kick up the backside and decided to stop avoiding things because they scared me. Instead I was going to start doing things, particularly those things that broke conventions and social conditioning that had been holding me back. And I think I’d been doing fairly well. Not only had I started going to see things by myself, I’d also been on two solo walking weekends in Wales – that weren’t totally without their scary moments like getting slightly lost up a big hill at sunset.

I also managed my longest solo drive across country via the coastal road from Adana to Fethiye. Look it up, non-stop Google says 12 hours but with a couple of stops and a snooze in the boot it took me about 15. Scary because the car engine light had come on again and I had to navigate the Taurus mountains in a Doblo that was feeling rather tired. But I did it. Just like a couple of month later I got on a plane to Paris to see my friend, despite hating flying especially when it’s not an airline I know. We’ll gloss over the fact that the carpark at Luton burnt down a week later (what is it with me and things burning to the ground not long after I’ve left them ? to date also a hotel and a school).

All of those things though are done. Now it’s time to continue facing fears and doing new things. I’m currently sorting out a new freelance coaching role. I’m planning a few more solo walking trips. I’m going to my first gig by myself at a venue I’ve never been to before.

They may not seem like much now. But they are all starting points. They are all things as I fly towards 51, that start to lay the foundations for rebuilding my confidence. And just as I am busy ripping out brambles and unwanted plants in my garden so that I can start planting bulbs for spring, letting go has felt good. I finally feel like things have shifted. Not so much that I’m going to delude myself into thinking that ‘all will be well’ and shift into ultra positive mode. That would definitely be too much of a personality shift. For now I’ll just keep steadily planting before taking a rest and seeing what emerges in spring.